A Schlong Time Ago: The World's Oldest Dildoes

Humans love making fake penises for a variety of reasons. It's  a fundamental truth of humanity, that we love phallic shaped things, for sex or just because.* The most obvious reason to make a life sized fake penis in my opinion, is to have sex with it, it's as simple as that. Apparently, people have thought along those lines for millennia since we have literally been making dildoes since the Stone Age.

Archaeologically speaking the oldest known fake penis has been dated to 28 000 years old. Discovered in Germany in 2005 this flint-knapped silt-stone phallus is 20 centimetres long and 3 centimetres wide. Kinky historian (and my personal hero) Esme Louise James  points out that the problem with the oldest dildoes in the world predating the written word is that we have no concrete proof of how these items were used. (James, 2023. p.87) However considering the tip of this German sausage is “highly polished”, I have no doubt that 28 000 years ago people took one look at this object and thought to themselves, “I can think of something fun to do with that”

This is by no means our only example of an ancient dildo. One of my other favourite examples comes from the Roman fort Vindolanda in Northumberland. The classily named “Vindolanda Phallus” is an interesting example since it is made of wood, which normally doesn’t survive in the archaeological record, but the specific conditions of Vindolanda allowed this guy to survive for 2000 years. This object was originally categorised as a  darning tool after its discovery in 1992.

“I have to confess,” said Newcastle University archaeology senior lecturer Rob Collins, “part of me thinks it’s kind of self-evident that it is a penis. I don’t know who entered it into the catalogue. Maybe it was somebody uncomfortable with it or didn’t think the Romans would do such silly things.” (Brown, 2023)

The Vindolanda Dil- sorry  phallus currently measures about 16 cm long but experts believe he has suffered some shrinkage over the millennia. ** 

Frustratingly, there are some compelling theories that present the idea that this particular item wasn’t actually used as a dildo the way we would today. 

1. That it was a good luck charm that would have been positioned in an entrance, with the idea being you rub the tip whenever you walk by to keep bad vibes away *** This would account for the wear and tear on the head.
2. That it was a pestle, used to crush ingredients. This would make sense considering the shape of the base. Naughty shaped kitchen utensils are hardly outside of the realm of possibility, I myself have a titty shaped mug (you can drink out of the nipple its so fun) 
3. That it was a sex toy, used pretty much how you would imagine. The theory that it was used for pleasure is next to impossible to prove since there are no other surviving examples that this one can be compared to. But there is both written and archaeological proof that Graeco-Romans used dildoes sexually, hence I’m sticking with this option and because it’s simply more fun. 

Regardless of what the archaeological evidence says **** I truly believe humans haven’t changed all that much, and so it's pretty likely we’ve been using inanimate objects like these the same way countless people who end up in the Emergency room have been using beer bottles and zucchinis. With all that being said, everyone should go out and get themselves a dildo, and if anyone asks say you’re doing a historical re-enactment. 

Some modern (body safe; unlike siltstone or wood) equivalent options available at Funtasia:

•  this guy is the right length and a similar colour to the OG but a bit girthier than the original,
•  this one is reasonably close to the Vindolanda dildo but not quite as tapered 

*as I write this within arms reach I have access to dick shaped keychains, soaps, lollies and something called a “jumping pecker” although I do write this from the counter of a sex toy shop so I realise I’m in an unusually penis-heavy environment

**really it's to be expected at his age I think hes done very well xx

*** note to self; ask my housemate if we can install one of those in our apartment

**** if you listen really hard you can hear my Archaeology professors crying out in horror at that statement 

Funtasia Sexpert and Ancient Dildo Enthusiast 

Verin Sampson

Sources:

Brown, M. (2023)It’s not a darning tool, it’s a very naughty toy: Roman dildo found,The Guardian. Available at:https://www.theguardian.com/science/2023/feb/20/its-not-a-darning-tool-its-a-very-naughty-toy-roman-dildo-found 

Collins, R. and Sands, R. (2023) ‘Touch wood: luck, protection, power or pleasure? A wooden phallus from Vindolanda Roman fort’,Antiquity, 97(392), pp. 419–435. 

James, E.L. (2023)Kinky History: The stories of our intimate lives, past and present. North Sydney, NSW: Pantera Press.